Fah la la la la la

JR and I put up our Christmas tree today. Although that entire statement is full of flaws. For one, it's not OUR tree, it's an old old tree his parents lent us. And two, since we're not religious it's more of a "Holiday" tree. But since I think it's dumb to try to be PC about Christmas I would never call it that. I'd get a metal pole and celebrate Festivus first. The tree is full of Disney, Star Wars and Star Trek ornament, a perfect reflection of us.

It was fun, but like anything we do together we had varying views on how it should be done. I wanted to string the lights in layers as we put on the branches, he wanted to wait until we had it all put together. Also he was fine with only some of the lights blinking, I wanted them all solid. Shockingly he got his way on both counts.

I guess I don't care enough. I like Christmas, but it's not my favorite holiday. Getting gifts is great, but I suck at giving them. Every year I feel like a failure. It doesn't help that my sister is a great gift-giver and always comes up with something really personal or cool. If I could get away with it I'd get everyone gift cards or cash. But that kind sucks the whole meaning of the season out of it. So like an idiot every year I put off shopping for others until virtually the last minute.

By far the hardest person to buy a gift for is my mother. Everyone in my family has issues finding something she'd like. Some years she has a list so that my dad doesn't screw up (which he usually does anyway.) But still every year there are frantic phone calls all around with whispered "What are you getting Mom?" Rarely does anyone have a clue. Besides the fact that she already has every thing she wants, she's picky.

You can't just get her slippers (most make her feet sweat) or a calendar (she has too many already) and call it good. She doesn't watch DVDs or listen to CDs. I have no idea what books she'd like, and heaven forbid I get her candy if she's on a diet (that's insulting to her.) My mom's allergic to most fragrances, so candles and perfumes are out. Same goes with make-up or lotions. In fact just about any generic gift you can think up is off limits for her. And if I did just cop out and get a gift card she'd most likely feel like she HAD to go shopping, which would probably end with horrific stories of rude clerks or her bum knees acting up.

Not to be ungrateful or sound like I don't love her, I do, I just wish she liked more things in my price range.

I'm also sick of getting people "crap." Amazon.com is a great place to get ideas if someone has a Wish List there, but after awhile it feels trivial. Every year JR and I get each other a lot of "stuff," but rarely is it big important things, or stuff we couldn't have bought for ourselves. I mean how many DVDs and CDs do we need anyway? And that is the crux of the problem. Gift giving is supposed to be special and meaningful (think "Gift of the Magi,") but in our materialist society, presents have become more about price tags or the drive to "own" things, then making someone feel loved.

I'm as guilty as anyone else with society's increasing shallowness regarding gifts. And maybe I am just too shallow to be any good at giving people things, even if it's just the giving of myself.

Spoils of War.

This I wrote yesterday but didn't post for some reason:


I did it, and I want to do it some more. Unfortunatly I can't because I have to go to work. Yes, I'm talking about Black Friday shopping. It was hell, it was hot, and I'm hungry; but I saved a shitload of money and I feel good about that.

Only thing is I spent it all on myself. Well, almost. But I bought $400 worth of stuff for under $175. I may not be worth $400, but I for sure deserve $175!

So now I'm sitting here with my "prizes" splayed about my living room and wishing I had bought more. I really need more clothes. The few I bought today hardly begin to restock my low fashion supply. But it's a start, and maybe I can find some other deals later this weekend.

You know for a girl who hates to shop I think I survived this morning just fine.

********************************
I wrote this today:


Oops, I did it again.

Although I didn't mean to go shopping again today somehow I found myself with an armload of merchandise and my checkbook out. It started out as a pity party for myself. Ok, not really a pity party, more like a "Sassy's alone in Toledo and feels bad because it's Saturday and she will most likely spend the day and evening on the couch by herself," party. And by party I mean I went to the bookstore to pick myself up a couple "treats."

But once I stepped inside Borders I smelled the pastries in the coffee shop and got super hungry. So after getting a few books I headed off to Olga's for an Orange Cream Cooler and some Olga Snackers. Satisfied but full, I decided to walk around for a few minutes and work off some of the calories.

I ended up in Dillards (for those not familiar with this store chain it's very similar to a Von Maur or a fancy Macy's.) Figuring the overpriced merchandise would hold no allure for me ($30 for a Cami?!??!) I strolled through a store I would only shop at if I were rich.

But disaster loomed ahead in the form of three 75% off racks. It was too much of a temptation. No way would I ever drop the dough and pay full price for those clothes, but at THAT big of a discount, I'm willing to negotiate with my pocketbook. Add to that that since it's a hoity toity store the quality of the merchandise is much better then the Walmarts I usually get my clothes at ^_^*

So now I have four tops that I got for the same price as just one of them would've been at full price. And once I had my bag I immediately went back to my car and left the mall. It's rare for me to enjoy shopping so much but I had to stop myself for fear I'd get out of control. I'm not broke, but I don't exactly make any money either. Although it breaks my heart, it's a good thing I stopped.

But now I feel even more sorry for myself. I'm sitting here with brand new clothes all around me and I have nowhere to wear them and no one will see me in them for at least two days. Good thing I got myself a few (7) books to get my mind off of being alone.

Through the Mists

Phew! THAT'S over, and it wasn't too bad. I'm talking about Thanksgiving here. However the drive to and from Michigan today was interesting.

When I first moved to Toledo I decided to program some local radio stations into my car stereo. I didn't research them or anything I simply hit "seek," and if it stopped on a song I liked it went into one of my pre-sets.

Most of the stations turned out to be great and I now have a good range of music to choose from while driving around the city. However one station slipped past my guard. Toted as "soft rock" I enjoyed number 3 on my pre-set dial (button whatever) for the first four months in the "Glass City." But a few weeks ago my "soft rock" went Christmas on me. A little early for my tastes, but hey, I like Christmas music all right so I didn't bother to change it.

I'm a perpetual channel surfer for both my TV and my car stereo. I also have radio controls on my steering column that I can operate with my left hand with barely a thought. This means if a commercial is playing as I'm putting my car in park I'll most likely be switching stations up to the moment I shut my car off and take out the key. That is the only explanation I have for why my car was blaring "Jingle Bells" when I got in it this morning. More concerned about getting buckled in and on my way I left the radio alone.

Once I got on the Freeway the music once again captured my attention. It was playing a Christmas song I had never heard before. After about fifteen seconds I wanted to drive my car off an overpass. It was by far the most depressing Christmas tune I have EVER heard.

It's called Christmas Shoes and not only are the lyrics beyond sad, but the tone of the singer's voice is soooo dramatic. Of course once they threw in the chorus of singing kids I wanted to bang my head on the wheel. I forced myself to listen to the whole thing, hoping and praying it was a sick joke. To me Christmas (or any Holiday) music should be peppy or nostalgic, not make you feel like pond scum.

Thankfully I have a six disc CD changer in my car and was quickly able to switch to some traveling music.

That was on the way there. The way home was a different story. It was foggy, like pea soup foggy. It's always debatable for me when weather conditions are dicey. I'm not sure if I want to be alone on the road, or surrounded by cars. Usually I opt for being alone since I trust myself to control my car better then I trust the drivers around me to control theirs.

Well tonight I got both wishes. At times traffic was so thick I hardly noticed the fog. Then a few minutes later I'd find myself all alone wondering where all the other cars had gone. It was kinda freaky. Except for the occasional muted light from cars going the opposite direction I'd go for ten minutes at a time and not see another vehicle.

Then like a flock of birds they'd swoop in and wiz around me only to disappear again into the fog. I don't understand why they were going so fast. Most of the time I could only see three or four road stripes ahead of me at a time. You just can't go 75mph and expect to be able to stop in time if something is stopped in the road.

Driving in fog messes with your mind. A change of lighting and it seems as if the road is dropping away in front of you, a curve in the road can make you think a car is headed straight toward you. Or maybe it's just me and my paranoia. In any case I made it home safe and sound and I wish the same for all the other travelers out there this weekend.

Gobble gobble, Happy Thanksgiving!

Lumpy

Wow, it's been weeks since I blogged. It's not like I don't have stuff to say, it's just not all stuff I want floating around the Internet. In any case, I feel like blogging today, so I'm back.

I heard a story on the radio this morning about how Jessica Simpson is apparently addicted to Botox. That's just so wrong, she's my age. But it got me thinking about body image.

Most women will NEVER be happy with the way they look. Oh, they may think losing 10 pounds will solve all their image problems, but trust someone with experience when I say that for most there will ALWAYS be something to be unhappy with. Losing weight or getting cosmetic surgery will only highlight other parts that need fixing.

Earlier this week I was watching "The Girls Next Door" (guilty pleasure, but I really like Hugh's girlfriend Bridget,) and they were getting ready to make a workout video. When asked what they wanted to improve on their bodies the girls had a list of flaws and problem areas. If these "perfect" examples of American beauty had issues with the way they look, what hope is there for us mortal women?

But that, along with the Hollywood trend of women in their twenties and teens having major plastic surgery, upsets me. There comes a time when you just have to accept certain things about yourself. Ten years ago I hated my nose. I seriously wanted a nose job to get rid of the huge hump I thought I had. It was all I could see when I looked in the mirror, and forget about getting my picture taken from the side. But over time it grew on me until I was able to accept the face I was born with.

But so many "rich" (and some not so rich) girls are altering their bodies before they get a chance to mature and embrace the features that make them individuals. It's sad, but I for one am glad I was able to shed a lot of my body hang-ups along with the fifty pounds. That said, if I had the money I'd get treatment for all my cellulite. Even I have limits on self love ^_^*

Happy Place

Ok people, I'm better now. Just had a crazy moment with the wedding back there. But luckily my sister and a couple of awesome friends came along. It felt very much like I was standing on the side of a bridge with them screaming for me not to jump.

So I'm not quite calm, but I'm in a better place. I don't know why I felt so alone and helpless. It's just been so long since I've leaned on anyone but JR that I forgot what girl friends are for.

Good news is the sleazy (I'll explain better in a minute) photographer backed out on me since I didn't send him the money right away. He was fairly nice about it but I mostly feel relief that I didn't have to say "no" to his face (I am chicken shit remember.) In fact I'm now in talks with a place that my gut tells me is the right choice.

They're about $700 cheaper and I think they're much more straight up with me. And the best part was they specifically said to ask questions and take some time to be sure I'm comfortable with them (I swear I heard angels singing.)

As for the "sleazy" photog... well today I found an old add of his in one of the Lansing Bride magazines creepy PA Randy gave me before I left. In it he offered a special price for weddings that was 1/3 of what he was charging me. On top of that at the bottom it said if you booked after January of this year the price would be full. Hmmm... odd that the FULL price was EXACTLY what he was charging me as his 62% discount. Fucking dirtbag!! God I wish I'd seen that ad last week. Anyway, lesson learned.

Another lesson learned is that although I had thought I didn't have a childhood "vision" for my wedding, I definitely have some strong opinions about what I DON'T like. So this should get interesting. And I'll really try to blog about things other than the wedding. Ten more months of this and you'll be as crazy as me ^_^*

320 days to meltdown

Well it's beginning... Wedding stress is already taking me over. I can honestly say I understand why Jennifer Wilbanks (the runaway bride) did what she did. The pressure is unbelievable.

I've just started and have already made a mess of things with the photographer. Add lack of sleep, pushy vendors, and a misguided attempt to NOT spend a lot of time worrying over details; and you end up getting played like I did.

Now I'm trying to gracefully back out of a contract without coming off looking like a complete moron. Really I only have myself to blame, and that's why I'm so upset. I've learned something I hadn't thought of before.

Anything.. ANYTHING that goes wrong or is sub par will be MY fault, MINE!
No matter how helpful JR (or anyone else) tries to be, ultimately I am the one doing the research and making all the decisions. I was totally unprepared for the stress and pressure that fact would bring me.

So now I have lost all confidence and am scared to make any decisions (exactly what I wanted to avoid.) I am a rational person and realize that everything isn't going to be perfect, and I can't make everybody happy- but that doesn't keep me from suffering from bouts of self doubt and fear.

So for all you unmarried females out there please understand something I am just now learning... your wedding day is NOT really your day at all. Sure you'll get lots of attention and everyone will fawn over you, but if the music sucks or the flowers are wilted it's because of the people you hired. Stick THAT in your pipe and suck on it ladies!