Nobody likes me everybody hates me...

...guess I'll go eat worms.

All right, so I'm starting to feel sorry for myself. You'd think getting engaged would mean I'm on top of the world, and that part of me is ecstatic, but "Career Me" is taking some blows to her ego.

Now that JR and I are getting married (Yea!!) it's time for us to take that all important step of moving in together. To be honest we've been trying to do that for months anyway, but now it's "game on."

Problem is that I have a great job in Lansing and I can almost guarantee I won't find one I like so much in Toledo, for awhile anyways. But that's just it, I can't find ANY job in Toledo. By any I mean one in TV that I'm qualified for and want to take.

Friday I sent out Resumes for possible TV jobs in T-town. They're basically bottom level jobs running studio cameras and such and you don't have to have a college degree to do the work. But I want one of those jobs regardless. Even if it means only working twenty hours a week at eight bucks tops, I want them bad. Partly because once I get in I know I can move on to bigger things fairly quickly, and mainly because it's fucking killing me to not see JR everyday.

Ideally I'd like to be a full-time editor, but most places don't have editors and the Photogs pick up the slack. So why you might ask don't I just go for a Photog job since that's what I do now? Well I don't have an answer that is easily understood.

Bottom line: I no longer wish to be a Photog.

I have lots of reasons and none of them are because I'm not good at my job or that I hate it. But truth be told I really want to be a Mom someday. And I will NOT stand on the side of an icy overpass with cars flying by if I've got little ones at home waiting for me. I loath shooting that type of stuff now for fear of being hit, and I absolutely refuse to place myself in even minimal danger for a job once I'm a parent.

I may be over-reacting since 95% of shoots I go on are perfectly safe, but it's those 5% of times when you don't even want to get out of the news car that I worry about. Also, I do plan on waiting a few more years for the kiddies, but why delay? If I already know that my career isn't going down that path there's no sense in continuing.

I did interview for a Photog job in Toledo a few months back, and even though I didn't get the job(because they needed someone right away and couldn't wait) I wouldn't have taking it anyway.

Ignoring the fact that the News Director stared at my boobs the whole time, kept commenting on me being a woman, and warned me to have one of the "guys" walk me to my car at night; it just didn't feel right. JR was relieved when I told him I wouldn't take the job even if offered. He would never tell me not to do something but he really wasn't happy about the thought of me running around Toledo by myself all day, and neither am I.

So here I sit waiting for a reply on a couple of PA jobs like one of Donald Trump's apprentices. But I'm not real hopeful. I've applied for these types a jobs before with no response. I've even called-in my contacts at a few of the stations and they said they put in a good word, but nothing so far.

So my ego is taking huge blows because I don't understand why they wouldn't jump at the chance to have me working for them. I've made it very clear I'm moving down there anyway, I'm qualified, and I love working in TV, so why don't they want me?