Shopping List

We’re getting a lot of snow tonight so I went to the store after work to pick up the essentials. Here’s what I bought:



Bud Light

Moose Tracks Ice Cream

Tampons

Midol



It’s probably best that JR is out of town this weekend.

Week 3: Up and Down

So I finally figured out this new blogger stuff. Here's what you all have been missing for the past 6+ months... start where you left off and work your way up.



I should go to bed, but I thought I’d shoot off a quick update on my "dancing" lessons. Things are going great... I mean I still fall on my ass from time to time, but I’m actually making it around the pole more often then not, and I’m starting to add a little sexy attitude to my moves (instead of just squeezing my eyes shut and praying for it to end.)

However, I’m thinking I need to tone down the sexy a little. My parents came to visit today and we went to the mall. While my mother and I were browsing in the book store, a slow song started playing over the intercom. Before I knew it my hips started moving to the music in a very suggestive manner. Thankfully I caught myself before she turned around and saw.

I’ve told my folks I was taking the classes, and besides my mother’s ear shattering scream when I broke the news over the phone... they’ve been fine with it. My dad even offered to help my husband put up a pole in our apartment if it meant he’d get grandkids sooner (swear to god that’s what he said!)

Back to my progress on the pole. I still have bruises, but they don’t bother me as much, nor do the sore muscles. And while I feel like I’m in a lot better shape, I haven’t lost any weight.

As for my social goals, I’m taking baby steps there. During my last class one of the girls came up to me and wanted to be my pole buddy (get your mind out of the gutter.) We had shared a pole in a previous class (there are only so many to go around,) and had gotten along. Of course I was shocked by her request and handled it badly by squeaking out a startled "why?" But we had a blast and laughed and cheered each other on the whole time.

Of course I’m trying to play it cool, giving everyone the diluted version of Sassy(you know, the one where I rarely talk about myself or act like I know everything.) But I can’t quite stamp down "pessimistic" Sassy. She reared her ugly head shortly after I gained my new pole buddy. I’m trying very hard to ignore my suspicions that my new friend only wanted to share the pole with me because I’m one of the worst in the class and just about anyone looks good next to me.

But I won’t let it get me down if she blows me off next time... I’ll just work harder at being friendly with whoever’s around me ^_^*

Original post Feb. 29th, 2008

Next time I go to a strip club (not that I've ever been) I'm sooo tipping the ladies. In a word, pole dancing is HARD! Now before your mind gets too far in the gutter I should show you the lovely bruises covering my legs... except bending over to roll up my pant legs is a little beyond my abilities tonight.

My first lesson in the art of exotic dancing was last night, and today I'm moving like an old lady who forgot her walker. I'm really regretting not hitting the gym in the past few months (read year.) I've never had much upper body strength... in fact I was the only kid in gym class to never do a single pull-up. I'm also learning that I'm about as flexible as a 2x4.

That aside I'm still really excited about the class. Even while slowly slipping down a giant pole with my legs flaying trying to get a grip... I enjoyed myself and the cheers I got when I finally managed to spin around without flying off. The only thing I was really good at was sticking my butt in the air while slowly lowering my chest to the floor... figures.

The class did bring to light just how low my confidence is right now. I practically grew up on the stage performing and I rarely cared if I made an idiot out of myself. In fact I was usually the first to stand up and try a new move... even if I didn't know what I was doing and fell on my ass. But last night I felt like a hermit crab, wanting nothing more than to slink back into a protective shell every time attention was drawn to me.

The instructor is super sweet (and yes boys, incredibly hot.) She didn't let me give up although I was practically in tears (slamming into a hard surface repeatedly will do that to a girl.) Still, I retreated from her help and am ashamed to say actually gave up a few times out of fear. It made me realize that I've been holding a lot of myself back lately. Everyday at work I feel like a failure, like I didn't do a good enough job... like I have no room to tell others what to do because I'm not perfect either. My mother told me recently that failure was a self-fulfilling prophecy... and she's right. Just like I can't seem to get it together at work, every time I approached the pole thinking I was going to fall on my butt, I did.

So, what did I gain except for a few ill-placed bruises? Too early to tell, but hopefully this class will help me rebuild myself while my muscles grow. And maybe at the end I will be able to hurl myself with gutso at the pole and not care what happens.. then hopefully I can apply that lesson of sexy confidence to the rest of my life.

Original post Feb. 14th, 2008

If you hadn't noticed I've been in a major funk since shortly after my wedding. Well, I've been looking for ways to change my bad attitude and I think I've found a winner. I'm signing up for a dance class, but not just any dance class... it's a pole dancing class.

That's right, as in a stripper pole.

I started taking dance lessons when I was around 5 or 6 and kept it up until High School where I was in several plays and musicals in which I danced. In fact I still have a pair of tap shoes that fit.

Anyway, I saw this story on another news station one day about the positive impact pole dancing is having on local women. I saw girls much bigger and less graceful then me having a blast and I wished I could be that happy again.

So I called the lady running the dance studio and signed up for a two month long class. I'm trying not to have too many high expectations. It has been a LONG time since I danced and I am way out of shape. But that's not the main reason I'm doing this, it's more about getting out there and meeting people. Even if I don't make friends I'll at least be socializing with people outside of work.

I also want to feel sexy again. I want to be that confident person I once was. The person who knew who she was and loved herself. This depression shit has got to go.

Original post on Feb. 4th 2008

Well, we're a month into the new year and I thought this would be a great time to update how my resolutions are going. If you recall I posted these well before New Years so I got a head start on some of them.



1) Grow a pair (if you don't know what that means... skip down to number 2.)

Working on it. I did stand up for myself today when my boss tried to blame me for my undertrained editor's mistakes... that didn't go over so well and now she probably just thinks I'm being difficult.

2) Lose 10 pounds.

Let's not talk about this one.

3) Get back to writing.

51,000 words and still going strong. I figure I'll be done with my book by summer (fingers crossed) but then comes the editing, which will be a pain in the ass.

4) Kinda tied to 3... Brush up on my English skills.

Um, trying here, but something's wrong with my brain and nothing's sticking. My mother says failure is a self-fulfilling trait.

5) Moisturize.

I tried, but my skin rebels everytime I do.

6) On Ebay.

I haven't sold anything yet, but I am getting boxes around and trying to pick out books I can part with.

7) Socialize.

So far so good. But I'm still sadly lacking in company other than JR. I need friends in Toledo dammit!

8) Forget it Baby.

The baby bug has gone away for now. I need to find a way to make me happy before I bring another life in the world. No need to fuck my kids up from birth if I can help it.

9) Doing Time.

Work is actually worse for me in 2008. It's a snowball effect right now and I'm really struggling to make it through each day. Seems like everytime I turn around I'm getting knocked on my ass again. I need to learn to cope with things better or else my fragile mental condition will morph into a full blown disorder and I'll end up on expensive drugs.

10) ...

My original list did not have a number ten and neither does this one. I have enough on my plate as it is.



Not exactly a positive start to the year. I wish I could say I have faith it will get better, but I don't. Can I go cry in a corner now?

Original post on Dec. 3rd 2007

So I've decided since every other Holiday has come early this year.. I'm going to get a jump start on New Years by releasing my list of Resolutions.



1) Grow a pair (if you don't know what that means... skip down to number 2.)

My mother has always told me I need to take an assertiveness class, and as much as I hate to admit her advice is ever accurate, she's right. My whole life I've been a "pleaser," and before your mind goes in the gutter, that means I strive to make those around me happy and content.. no matter the discomfort or embarrassment to myself.

2) Lose 10 pounds.

Actually that was last year's goal and should now be amended to 15 since I never lost it and I've gained some weight since the wedding (damn ice cream.)

3) Get back to writing.

I actually miss working on my book... a lot. I gave it up during wedding planning and the new job... but now I think I might be able to devote some real time it. The only obstacle is the fact that my job IS writing and sometimes I come home completely drained of creativity (I mean how many different ways can I say it's cold and cloudy out.. stay tuned to see if it'll be that way tomorrow..?)

4) Kinda tied to 3... Brush up on my English skills.

Again, I write everyday but am amazed by how often I get basic grammar or spelling wrong. Most of the time it's not that serious.. or I can excuse it as having to write in a hurry... but when a boo-boo makes its way on-air, it can be a big deal.

5) Moisturize.

My wedding beauty rituals have ended and I'm back to graying hair, pasty white skin, and bushy... eyebrows. But that doesn't mean I should give up on taking care of my skin, and while I won't be gunking up with three types of creams every night, it wouldn't hurt to slap on some Jergens every once in awhile.

6) On Ebay.

I've racked up quite the collection of romance novels this past year... and with JR and I sharing a one bedroom apartment he's probably sick of seeing half naked men staring up at him from every end table and bookshelf in the place. So, I've decided with a little organization I can unload some of my girly porn and recoup a couple bucks for my (sometimes) expensive habit.

7) Socialize.

Despite being a giddy newlywed.. I do get lonely working weekends and living far away from friends (especially when JR isn't around.) My goal this year is to go out at least once a month and interact with people who aren't my husband. Even if it's us and another couple or someone from work.

8) Forget it Baby.

For some reason my biological clock has been screaming at me and I have a mild case of the baby bug. Mostly I use it to tease and frighten my hubby.. but when I see cute baby stuff in catalogs I sometimes go into a mini coma of baby bliss. I think what appeals to me the most is being able to eat again without feeling guilty.

9) Doing Time.

I must accept that I signed away two years of my life to the hell known as Producing and there is nothing I can do about it until February of 2009. I just have to grin and bear it and stop imagining ways out of my contract (see 8)

10) ...

I actually can't think of anything else.. I think 9 are enough for now.

Original post on Oct. 10th 2007

So it's Fall (and finally feeling like it,) and since it's a season of change... I thought this would be a perfect time to blog about all the recent changes in my life.

To start, the Wedding was perfect, and the Honeymoon was awesome. In the days after all the craziness I had so much I wanted to share about those days... But as the specifics begin to fade with time, I'm left behind with only a few photos (still waiting for proofs from photog) praise from friends, and a general feeling of bliss to share.

Still, moments hit me at really weird times and I'll have a shockingly vivid memory of that time. Next thing I know I'm giggling like a school girl or grinning from ear to ear (thank you JR's escape plan.) I also have a few "d'oh" moments (like mixing up some of my Dad's cousins, sorry.)

The most common question I get is if it feels any different to be married. It's a tough question for me because the answer is yes, and no. No, because JR and I have been together for so long. Yes, because I do feel a bit more free and confident about our relationship. But in reality the whole "Husband" and "Wife" bit will take some time to sink in.

Being the "Wife" I've decided to be traditional and change my last name. I had to keep my old name through the Honeymoon because that's how we booked the trip, but now that I'm back I'm trying to get it all ironed out. I have my major documents changed.. but am still working on contacting all the people I need to. I've just been working a lot lately and haven't been motivated.

Which brings me to my next area of change, my job. Really it hasn't changed much. I'm getting faster at writing, but still make mistakes. The difference now is that I don't let it bother me as much. Might be because I'm married now and consider work only a small part of what's important in my life.

**This is the part where I have to add a disclaimer that the views expressed in my blog in no way reflect the views of my employer or company (they sent out a letter telling us we have to have that if we Blog.)

Finally, my appearance. I'm trying not to let myself "go to pot" now that I'm an old married lady. But it is nice to be able to eat ice cream again. And I got a cute haircut to mark the end of my beauty regime. So it's back to plain Jane now that I've had my day of glamour. I'm just not cut out for all the time, money, and maintenance it takes to be stunning all the time.

Original post Sept. 19th, 2007

Here I sit, hours from my big day, and don't I feel special. I'm in my ratty underwear sitting on towels watching Star Wars movies while my "tan" dries with kleenex shoved up my nose because I'm sick and can't blow it without screwing up my color.

I'm just a freaking beautiful, glowing, happy Bride-to-Be. Not to mention I just bit JR's head off over the phone (oh yeah, and it's THAT time of the month too.) God, I'm a wreck. The planning was going so well I didn't believe everyone who told me "something" would go wrong before the wedding. I thought I could anticipate any problems and just go with the flow (no pun intended) if things went wrong. But I NEVER guessed my health would be a factor.

Now I just want to crawl in a hole and make the world go away. But, I am determined to enjoy my wedding. So for those of you coming.. if I seem loopy it's probably just the crapload of drugs I'll be taking. Wish me luck!

Original post Sept. 18th, 2007

Betrayed. By my own body.

With only three days until the wedding I've hit a road block... I'm sick. So the gazillion things I had to do have taken a back seat to sleeping. Only, it's not helping much. I'm pretty sure it's just a sinus infection, but can't be for sure since the rest of me feels crummy too.

Already I canceled my spray-tan appointment, but I absolutely have to do it tomorrow. Time is running out and I just have to accept that some things just won't get done since most of them are things only I can do.

I'm not sure how I got sick, but I'm sure the 4 hours of sleep a night average of the past week didn't help. Maybe it's my body's way of saying "slow the hell down." Well I have, but it sucks and I don't see how I can heal when my stress level is so high.

Original post Sept. 16th, 2007

It's weird how as the days count down to the wedding, I get less nervous. For now anyway. I have so much left to do, and yet it feels like I'm almost done. So much could still go wrong (i.e. the marriage licence has yet to go through,) but right now I'm just excited.

That's propably because it's Sunday and I can't make the gazillion phone calls I need to make until tomorrow. I'm trying to get the little things done like packing for the Honeymoon, and cleaning the apartment before my sister gets here.

I lucked out and only have to work Monday and Tuesday this week. Just about every minute of the next six days is planned out. I think producing the news has gone a long way in helping me organize the wedding. Like my job, it's a stressful race to the finish and despite all my careful planning I know something will go wrong.

Everyone warning me that stuff will go wrong, and I keep saying I know. I've long stopped trying to guess what will get screwed up... but I have tried to think of back-ups for everything. Again, this is where my job training comes in handy since being flexible and making last minute changes are all part of the game.

What I haven't given much thought to, until now, is how it'll feel to stand in front of everyone in a white dress and exchange vows with the man of my dreams. Honestly, when I try to picture that moment it's a little fuzzy. I still don't see myself in the "Bridal" role. All this planning and obsessing and I can't grasp that "I'm the Bride pay attention to me" feeling. For me a lot of the preparring has been about the guests.

The only way I've focused on me, is with my beauty plan. But I consider that more about torture then being pampered (got waxed again yesterday.. yikes.)

I just want everyone to have a good time.

Original post on Aug. 14th 2007

Ok folks, lets get personal.

I have to give credit where credit is due. So, to all the 5'9'' big breasted, hair extension wearing, flawless skinned, white teethed, tanned, french manicured, sized 2 women in the world.. I applaud you.

Only you, could have the patience of a saint to sit through a two hour hair color appointment and not get bored. Only you, don't have to try on 30 bras in one day to find one that doesn't give you arm-pit fat. Only you, enjoy slathering your skin daily with three different kinds of lotion. And only you, have the Will Power to say "no" to a Vanilla Frosty from Wendys.

In case you haven't guessed my "beauty regiment" is picking up in these last weeks before my wedding. Actually it started over a month ago with the hotly debated tanning fiasco. I haven't given up hope that a spray tan will work, but I'm still a little gun-shy about the process. That, and I'm not in a big hurry to stand topless in front of a stranger and have them spray cold mist over sensitive areas again.

Meantime.. I've been using several creams to tone my skin.. hoping that I can lessen the "jiggle" factor of my fleshy pale parts... without covering up with fake color. While I've seen some pretty amazing results (thank you Nivea Anti-Cellulite Gel,) it's a pain in the ass to make sure I use it everyday (although it has done wonders to that area.)

Then last week, I got a major beauty bug and decided to finally do something about my rapidly graying hair by getting it professionally dyed. While I was there, I decided to go for broke and change my color back to the darker shade it was before my hair rebelled in college. I'm almost happy with the result.. it turned out a bit redder than I would have liked, but I still have time to fix it.

Which brings me to other... um... areas in need of hair attention. Without being graphic lets just say I wanted to do a test run with hair removal before my honeymoon. Wouldn't want the hotel pool evacuated because of a suspicious looking rash. Again, I went to a professional. Ladies a piece of advice, when you walk into a salon and they offer you wine.. TAKE IT! You do not want to be sober while a cute Asian woman rips off several layers of your skin.

I'm very proud of myself for not crying. Although in reality, I should have kept my mouth shut while my torturer started complaining about her favorite TV show being interrupted by local severe weather coverage. It wasn't *really* my fault my station cut into programing while I was producing. Still, I don't think she was very understanding and I have the uneven lines to prove it.

Today was the search for the perfect bra to wear under my wedding dress. I'm not an overly modest person, but it's a bit unnerving to have at least three people take a tape measure to your chest in one day. It would help if any of them wound up with the same measurements. The worst was Victoria Secret. For some reason the *perky* 18 year-old clerks didn't understand why a strapless bra with only one hook in the back wouldn't give me enough support. Guess they skipped that science leason about gravity.

Tomorrow is my second dress fitting. I had hoped to lose about 5 pounds since last month's fitting... but I only managed 1 or 2. I'm disappointed in myself for not keeping up with my gym... I think it could have made a big difference. If not in actual pounds, then at least in firmness. Still, I'm looking good considering where I came from almost three years ago.



Later this week, I'm attempting a seven day at home tooth whitening program.. wish me luck ^_^*