Original post Feb. 29th, 2008

Next time I go to a strip club (not that I've ever been) I'm sooo tipping the ladies. In a word, pole dancing is HARD! Now before your mind gets too far in the gutter I should show you the lovely bruises covering my legs... except bending over to roll up my pant legs is a little beyond my abilities tonight.

My first lesson in the art of exotic dancing was last night, and today I'm moving like an old lady who forgot her walker. I'm really regretting not hitting the gym in the past few months (read year.) I've never had much upper body strength... in fact I was the only kid in gym class to never do a single pull-up. I'm also learning that I'm about as flexible as a 2x4.

That aside I'm still really excited about the class. Even while slowly slipping down a giant pole with my legs flaying trying to get a grip... I enjoyed myself and the cheers I got when I finally managed to spin around without flying off. The only thing I was really good at was sticking my butt in the air while slowly lowering my chest to the floor... figures.

The class did bring to light just how low my confidence is right now. I practically grew up on the stage performing and I rarely cared if I made an idiot out of myself. In fact I was usually the first to stand up and try a new move... even if I didn't know what I was doing and fell on my ass. But last night I felt like a hermit crab, wanting nothing more than to slink back into a protective shell every time attention was drawn to me.

The instructor is super sweet (and yes boys, incredibly hot.) She didn't let me give up although I was practically in tears (slamming into a hard surface repeatedly will do that to a girl.) Still, I retreated from her help and am ashamed to say actually gave up a few times out of fear. It made me realize that I've been holding a lot of myself back lately. Everyday at work I feel like a failure, like I didn't do a good enough job... like I have no room to tell others what to do because I'm not perfect either. My mother told me recently that failure was a self-fulfilling prophecy... and she's right. Just like I can't seem to get it together at work, every time I approached the pole thinking I was going to fall on my butt, I did.

So, what did I gain except for a few ill-placed bruises? Too early to tell, but hopefully this class will help me rebuild myself while my muscles grow. And maybe at the end I will be able to hurl myself with gutso at the pole and not care what happens.. then hopefully I can apply that lesson of sexy confidence to the rest of my life.